Three Months till no home

So we just got notice that the owner of the townhouse we've been renting the better part of for years is selling. Also B doesn't want to sign another lease because "we are stunting each others personal growth" so I have three months to find a new place to live in the city that's not only hard to find a place BUT extra expensive.

So much stressing.....so close to breaking I'm not even sure where to begin :( tried to go swimming at lunch. But of course its elementary schools swimming lesson day. And I the brilliant crazy lady never checked the website. Anyways no stress relief - or as the 'professionals'  call it coping mehanism there.

Spent the afternoon crying at my desk...got home walked my dog with my friend K who is the only person in the world I think who actually gets it. Felt nice to talk and have someone just listen. Its also Ks birthday. 🎉🎊🎁

Get home fall apart. Hysterics doesn't begin to cover it. I'm shutting down and I can feel it. I know the severity of the situation. It sucks not even bring able to do right by your son. Not even being able to afford to keep a roof over his house, yet working full time.

How to tell him that his entire world is changing forever and prepare him in three months. Especially when he freaks over little things like transitioning from play  time to bedtime.

Really just want to give up. I'm worth more dead than alive really.....honestly considered going through. Gave in to my urges and cut. The release of the pressure is instant. Don't understand why it's wrong. Now I can cope till the next moment......

Ermagaaash

Solo I've been making a conscious choice to get in shape and make healthier decisions. I know I've been saying that for forever. But I'm doing it now....SERIOUSLY it's like four out of the last five days! Woo go me. I figure since I'm a crazy again (officially) I better make Sure I have some sort of positive selling points for potential suitors.. Hahaha that's hilarious.....I'm too old for suitors 😦

Also ow. And OW also ow! Muscles hate me.....I know its worth it but I wanna complain!!! It hurts..it sucks. Wish I was rich so I never had to work and could work out everyday instead. Hahahhaha

Anyways I'll post pictures soon...most likely after a bottle of delicious red wine a.k.a. liquid self esteem!

Till then!!! Excuse any ridiculous typos....I'm quick and hate autocorrect

Suckage

Well it's easter...and family dinner is done and now I'm a wreck. I hate it. I hate that for no reason I feel like this. I hate that I don't know if my thoughts are normal. I hate that the doctors tell me to keep taking medicine even when I say I don't feel right on it.  IM RAGING AND I CANT TELL WHY! I'm angry IM ANGRY!! ROAR. I'm done caring I don't want to have to anymore. I want to fuel up and disappear and not do anything anymore. Currently I want to punch my self in the face.. I want to feel something. I want pain. Pain I understand.... The physicalness of it. The control, the release. But instead I'm laying in my bed crying (even though I'm so angry I could scream) fidgeting my feet around and blogging. Apparently some people find this helpful..... Don't understand why. It's words. Words are empty.. I need to feel...I need to live.... But not like this... Hate being me. Hate looking at me. Hate being such in my head, no escape... Yay. FML. Hate that it's almost eleven and I can't sleep. I came even calm down enough to breathe. I need to feel pain... Being crazy sucks. World is probably better without my negative contributions. But my marshmallows world would be shattered.. Some one pull me out. Someone hold me close. Someone understand.

UGH - Reality Bites

Hello again,

been awhile, I know but I swear I'm not so good at this whole blogging thing. Going to try to be....as I always say. I'm hoping to use this as my accountability control. Post how I'm doing on here in hopes that being public about my struggles will help keep me on track...

So I don't know the underlying cause I just know I"m gaining lots of weight. I know I've been sick and stuff and unable to go to the gym, but its bad. Weigh the most now that I ever did.

I should be getting my first modelling cheque in the mail this week though so I am going to do a 15 day juice cleanse in hopes to reset everything and lose some weight. I'll take pictures the night before I begin of my before, and I'll snap more of my juices and stuff and then reveal the final stage. Guess this could be considered a "weight loss test" to see if juicing can help :) That and I am really excited about my new juicer!

Hooray! Toodles!!!

Welcome to...ME!

Hello to all who may read my posts!

So I decided after posting my thoughts, and ideas and such on Facebook that I might as well buckle down and start a blog. I've got tons going on and lots of hurdles to jump and obstacles to over come so I thought even if my blog only helps me that's still better than nothing :) So this blog is of me - yup I know how self obsessed  But seriously I'm quirky and fun and usually have a bazillion ideas and thoughts all running through my head at once and now I finally have my own little "thoughts bank" to deposit into before those invaluable ideas slip quickly through. 

Anyways started going to the gym again this past weekend which is amazing! Feels so great to actually be back and using my muscles and strengthening my body! It will be nice to get back the the body I worked so hard for as well! So I think my first 'real' post tonight will be my initial weigh in and measurements for my journey! I figure if I broadcast it for all to see and read and look then it will be good motivation to keep working at it so that I do have better stats to report! Already started changing my diet so that I am more conscious of what I am putting in it; but I think this is going to be the hardest for me. I'll post up some tasty recipes that I've made and stuff and any ingenious snack tips I come up with as well!!

So glad the weather is nice this week - going to take the pup out for a run after work to start off my evening workout. Then off to lil' man's karate lessons!! Big night! Any who ta-ta for now my dears!!!!

<3 Shawnza